I Jes Should Have Known

Before making a big move you just make a lot of assumptions.  You get caught up just trying to get ready to make adjustments and you fail to have enough foresight to really know what you need to know. I know.  I have googled and youtube every possible thing about this new country.  Laid back and had dreams and hope.  Mapped out walking locations, scoped out gyms, groupon deals and so much more.  I thought I did all my work to be prepared for this new world.  I was prepared. Right?

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh, uhm not really.

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See, I was short sighted.  You can brace yourself for a new journey, but never really be prepared.  Life is always just life.  Things happen and truthfully, while you can read blogs and speculate, folks don’t always discuss the things you really need to hear.  For example, I know exactly where to find some hair weave, but NOBODY said to pack a washcloth so I can be able to wash my ying yang twin the first few days.  I currently have purchased at least 50 pairs of underwear to combat this new humidity and funk I would be facing, but I had no clue about this jet lag that is chasing me for two weeks now.  So I got cute underwear that I can’t go to sleep in because I don’t know sleep.  (By the way, I was recently introduced to the concept of Melatonin to help with that, but its not sold here.  UGH.  And neither is the sleepy time tea that I pass all the time min WalMart)

 

So I have four things I am going to tell you the truth about when it comes to making this move…because after one week aboard I recognize now, I could have be preparing a who new way for this move…

 

#4    WALK THIS WAY

And that way, and every which way there is.  And after you walk it, make sure you walk back where you started from.  I swear for GOD, I don’t want to hear no “Walk It Out”, “Wobble”, “One, Two Step” or these “Boots Were Made for Walking” song lyric ever, for the rest of the year!!!  If I had known about the amount of walking I would be doing, I would have trained for the Boston Marathon just to be prepared for this.

You need a whole new pair of walking shoe for this life.  Walking shoe, walking socks, compression socks, support cane, bottle of water, massage therapist on stand-by…all of that.

And ain’t nothing around the corner….oh folks will tell you down the corner but you got to know who you asking.  See if you asking an American, around the corner is a true around the corner.  Like it is literally there as soon as you turn.  But a Britain is like double that.  Middle Eastern natives?  About a half mile or so….everyone else….well…you get it. Don’t ask a Kenyan…you will land in the desert.

You ain’t ready for the amount of walking that you will do.  And in the heat!!!  That is a whole different paragraph, you gotta look like you going mountain hiking but in a linen suit.  You sweat game is going to be pouring and you calves on throb.  Just saying….get your cardio and endurance up before landing.

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#3    SPRINKLE ME BABY

I just left the store where the only Cajun seasoning salt had a dude with blond hair and blues on the cover.  I can’t trust it.  Nope.  Just can’t.  Just like I saw a Popeye’s out here….and it is something about my southern senses that say that them red beans and rice ain’t going to be the red beans and rice you used to.  How do I know?  Because I witnessed a fried chicken love triangle in the middle of the mall, it was Popeye’s, Church’s Chicken and KFC.  KFC was in the lead.  I ain’t been inside a KFC since 2006.

I miss Lawry’s.  All that to say that I miss the fool outta him….or her.  I don’t know….but what I wouldn’t do just to get a hit of that.

Tap that tap that…

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In fact I wanna tap and get a taste grits.  A pork rind.  Any flavor of seasoning salt.  Hot sauce.  The staples I didn’t know that my body needed.  I am going through….I’m feenin and I ain’t never know I had it this bad.

Bring your goodies.  They bring all the expats to the yard.

 

#2

I ain’t never wanted play clothes so bad in my life.  Like I was so intent on work clothes and then kick it clothes…I straight forgot about play clothes.  Lounging around gear.  Relaxed gear.  You know that one big t-shirt that knows all your feelings and soft spots.  I straight forgot to pack pajamas.

Like for real.  When I walk down to the corner store, I am rocking tennis shoes and a two piece suit.  Like I am on Queen mode everywhere I go, and it ain’t on purpose.  Its because I didn’t have enough room nor foresight to be raggedy.  SIGH.  This is me going to get eggs.

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#1

THICK THIGHS DO NOT SAVE LIVES

They are hot.  Period.  Thick thighs is the lie you never knew you knew.  They sweat.  They rub together.  They burn.  They set small campfires.  I have to slick a slab of Crisco between my legs so they can slide when I walk. I got ointments in five different flavors so I can pick what incense flavor I wanna be.

It is hot out here.  Things swell.  The sweat.  They leak.  This is not sexy.  If I had any inch of a clue, I would have straight Suzanne Somers my whole life away this past summer.  I would have purchased stock in the amount of work I would have given thigh master.  I got major work to do.

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So that is some of the things I wished I had to consider.  I would write more but i got to go take this nap in this sexy after black outfit that has become my new lingerie.

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