Jes Caught in Middle of Two Loves

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He saw me first.  He was there.  And he gave me what I needed.

And that is a beautiful thing.

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There is something spectacular about that.  Beautiful.  The moment when he reached to grasp my hand and say, “You have what I want.  What I need.”  And I committed back to him.  I did my research…he wasn’t perfect, but he was loyal.  I could trust him.  And even more important to me.  He offered stability.  And I needed that.

Through him, I found my family.  Sisters, nieces and friends I am building bonds of vibranium with.  I am grateful to him for that as well.  And what I promise him in return is simple…to be there, share myself, partake in knowledge…to work for him.  In a capacity that really never touched the fullness of who I am, but he said one day….one day he would let me shine within my true worth.  But for today, we start of slow. And steady.  Like Tina Turner….we rolling down the river.

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So, I was happy.  Well, I am happy.  Content.  There.  Ready.  Willing. Hopeful. Prayerful.  At Peace. And I was there for a good while.

And my friend whispers in my ear, “I know your worth.  You know your worth.  Does he? You don’t move backwards in your journey…you move forward….have you tried?”

And I brush those words off….how dare I contemplate something or someone else.  I was sleeping soundly every night.

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But the words never went away.  And they would chase me around in quiet spaces.  They would remind me how I liked to breathe, create, think, motivate…those words knew I felt better in bigger spaces.  But, could I find a love that would let me fulfill that space…and honor my efforts to walk within it.

Maybe I would try….just once.  See I know somebody who knows somebody who knew somebody.  Maybe I would tell that person…I was available.  So I did.  And I changed my worth to them…stood up in the crown I knew I could fill.  I allow my first love to keep my peasant cloak, but to this new opportunity…I displayed myself as the queen I know I have developed to be.

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And I said hello.

And it was quiet.

So quiet. For weeks.  I forgot that I even said hello.

And then he called.  But, by then I snuggled with my first love.  Who kept proving his word over and over and over again.

But something about hello sparked me.

So I said it back.

And the new love asked to met me in a time and space that would be dedicated to only me.  And I said I would.  But I promised in my heart to remember loyalty.  To remember truth.  To remember trust.   And remember my word.

But as soon as new love came….I felt the butterflies.  I heard the words.  All of them, everything he needed…it was me in my fire.  In my freedom, me without edits.  All me.  I said words back.  And there is a chemistry.  And he said, “i can’t reach my hand out yet to you…but trust me I will.”

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And I know he will.  Saying yes to love two is saying yes to me.  But who am I if I let down the one who saw me first?

Who am I to turn my back on a vision that was crafted for me?  But then who will I be if I deny a vision that is naturally mine?

They both want me.  But now, I must pick one.  I win no matter what….I get my freedom.  It’s just what type of freedom to I saw yes too?  Is it about be loyal? Or getting the best thing?  What about the power of family? Which step is the best destination?  What do I really want or more importantly, who do I want to be?

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These are my questions today.  With an answer that will come on Friday.

 

I will pick one.

 

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